Sunday, October 2, 2011

Pilgrim in Paradise #1

A dear friend asked me just the other day, 'So, Adam, what would it look like, feel like to not judge yourself?'
The question dumbfounded me, primarily because I've spent my life and career, as a judgement machine. Sometimes because our particular craft continually intrigues, beguiles and bewitches us with time lines, best practices, hot young upstarts, crafty masters and the daily dance of getting through the day successfully and with some form of, if not self satisfaction then at least the esprit of a job well done.

So "Judgement" always seemed valid and indeed necessary.
But when that judgement extends into the darker recesses of our self  assessment, self perspective and self esteem then that can lead one to some lonely, and stark assumptions of one's self.
And sometimes the places where those thoughts can lead, plant a hook so deep that no amount of pep talk is gonna dislodge it from the place where the pain emanates.

But what I think really think my friend meant was that we are our own worse enemy when it comes to "Judgement"; Jungian philosophy has always held that, in our own hearts and minds, there are the ever present specters of the Judge, Jury and Accused, as expressed by the id or our own egos.

The First is always quickest to Judge any particular thought, action or consequence
The Second is always ready to pronounce judgement, and
The Third is always ready, willing even to embody and internalize the Guilty verdict - almost as if it knew it was guilty from the start and wanted, needed, to be punished which only perpetuates the cycle again and again until any real self confidence or self reliability has been worn down and one is left with the only real thing that they know for sure:

That they suck
That I, in particular, suck

But I mean that in the most affectionate manner because at any time, in a moment's notice - that can all be changed and be free of the bondage of 'Judgement"

I know, because I've lived it.

My mother just recently wrote me an email where she told me that she knew that since I hadn't been in touch with her that I was living in the past and not yet looking forward, into my future.
I was still stuck with feelings of guilt, anger, betrayal and, more often than not - sorrow about how my last employment ended.
Try as I might, I just couldn't shake off the feeling that I had let everyone down, my associates, my family and not to mention myself.

Dont'cha just hate it when Mom is right?

So you see this email from a friend suggesting a different way of looking, no strike that, feeling hit me in my head like a hammer and after pondering this particular way of viewing myself in my world I've come to the conclusion that she has given me a precious gift.

One which I will not squander.

So, as a preamble, I'm about done.
Over the next several months I'm going to be taking some time and letting you in the metamorphosis that is occurring within me as I shed my place of residence, most of my belongings and most of all my internal baggage because the "Me" that is forming inside is already feeling a bit more free, especially from the doubt and - and here I have to be careful to be clear and honest without any heavy handiness - self hate; c'mon you the kind I'm talking about - the one the "Accused" in our head loves to feel when the 'Guilty' verdict is handed down, and, with which gives him license for all kinds of self destructive behavior. 

Poster Child for Bad Behavior?
Nope, not me - I've got finer places to fly

Getting what you wish for is sometimes the straightest path to finding out what you really want because as Abraham says, when you get what you don't want you're already setting up your intentions for what you do want; remember - nature abhors a vacuum (my words, not his).

Stand Tall & Frosty my brothers & sisters; next time the particulars of our shared journey.

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