I admit that I fell down the rabbit hole there for a while. My last post was in January and, like most of you I imagine, I've had my share of things to deal with - all the while withering a bit more in the process.
But NO MORE!
I fell into the trap of believing my ego's lies about a lot of what my life is about, what it's supposed to be about meaning and where do I go from here.
I lost my monthly article due to a change in editorial perspective - they wanted to hear from more than just one culinarian about what they were experiencing; completely valid but I chose to interpret it another way.
It seems that the shift that's starting to occur can only be preceded by a winnowing, or stripping back of past illusions, perceptions, self beliefs and self constructs.
The current market conditions and world economy have combined for the perfect storm for transformation - we can no longer rely on the processes, strategies or strength of the past; they won't work anymore - trust me I've tried.
Brute force and throwing one's self about in careless abandon only get's it blown back in your face.
My forehead is bloodied from butting up against the wall
After all that which got us here might not necessarily be the best way to proceed any further.
But, damn - it's hard giving up the skin that I've worn for most of my life!
And naked, what do I step in to now?
I questioned everything
I questioned what kind of a professional I had been; the crew that I was hard on or worse yet neglected in my quest for professional notoriety and while it's true that I did almost make Eddy Lee cry for a simple yet avoidable mistake, there is a battalion of chefs and sous chefs who started out with me and as one so eloquently put it:
'I get it now, thanks Chef'
Humble, mumble, choke just a bit when you see the sincerity in their eyes.
I did make a difference
I did make the world a little better for those willing to listen or watch
I am of worth
I am worthy
Yet in order to move forward there are amends to be made; I've been given a bill that requires payment and nothing short of my integrity will do so I'm about the business of balancing the scales of my life.
"And your permission is all I need to heal..." - Sixx AM
A Caamora to sear the soul and burn out the regret, sadness, self recrimination, guilt and shame.
As Scanlon said, "Pull up your skirt m*****f****, how much longer will you be the Master of your Misery?"
Clearly, no longer.
There is still a difference to be made
There is still work to be done