Friday, July 20, 2012

Sign, What Sign?

Somewhere, just below me - or all around me, the strains of the 70's song, 'signs, signs, everywhere there are signs' is bouncing against the rocky precipice that forms the house's platform and coincidentally upon which I am, metaphorically, perched at this moment. For those of you who don't know I live in the beautiful BVI. 
It's been a year of great discovery and what once felt like I was dropping out or escaping became a place of awakening for me - and if you've never been here, lemme tell you it's about as dense as any third world country. 
So again, I'm presented with a dichotomy, not necessarily a polarity. I've seen relationships come and go and somehow in this particular shade of darkness, I've found my light- that which burns within me. 
I also found my own self love, something I never thought would happen - after all I've been the man of many faces, and facades - none of which where every wholly me and although fun to play with always, and ever, marginalized my self worth
But I digress...... 

So, what was presenting was to leave here.

Looking back I can easily recognize that my time here was because my higher levels wanted - inviting me really -  to heal; not with any type of mitote or shamanistic ritual but rather it was simple as having the guts to go direct, that I was, indeed, worth it and equal to the task at hand - which as it turned out was forgiveness.
So, I could, in fact, leave here with 'my' head held high and reinvigorated by my life and it's possibilities.
Now know this one very important thing about me, I've spent my life being the rescuer, protector and spent most of that time carrying those that I love (as opposed to simply caring for them and the slippery slope that that choice presents)

So for me to make this decision, at this point in my life is HUGE.
The last time I did something like this based solely on what will bring me joy was the night I left home after my high school graduation.
Now before any you start congratulating me, I just wanna say that :

Right now I'm kinda freaked out.
Ya, kinda - lmao
Cause before today it was all talk.
Last night I went to sleep asking my higher levels to show me, just freekin show me... I mean I have had conversations around this and prospects but, in my life before awakening, I never made a move unless there was a job waiting for me - right now I can here my mother's voice 35 years - maybe a hundred years ago - 'Adam, don't make a move until you have something secured' 

Fascinating word, 'secured, secure......scared' I wonder what it really means.

So, in 'the I absolutely have no f****** idea club' I declared that it was time for me to move on; way out on the very tiny, thin branches - without a plan, job, exit strategy, on a wing and a barely whispered prayer.
So, this morning, listening to someone - the higher me?, I stopped in to office of the warehouse manager to see when I had to drop my personal effects (affects?) at the port for shipping. He told me, after a phone call confirmation, that TODAY was the cut off, cause the boat to the good ole USA only sails once a month. 

So I filled out the paperwork by noon, then went home to finish packing.
Now I had been 'dawdling packing'
You know the type - kinda maybe sorta packing but not so in deep that if something happened, one could very easily just unpack - right?
Still everything was staged just so, that if the call did come, it could be completed easily enough But by 4pm? 
Fer cryin out loud......
Now I had someone come down with me, which didn't work out but the break up was amiable enough, but now II had the additional chore of executing the physical separation predicated by the emotional one......not a big deal, just another detail.
I was struck by how little was 'mine' and how much was 'hers'
I got it all down to the port before the deadline - how? I have no idea....
So now, sitting here, bathed in my own sweat, I am surrounded by nothing that is really mine; was any of it really mine or was it an illusion that my ego became attached to?
I have no clue
The only thing I think I know is that there is nothing separating me from my inner guidance and even though my ego is completely apoplectic - he might even need an epi-pen before this is all over, everything WILL work out perfectly, especially when I don't know - or can not even barely conceive of what that will look like.
Shit, gotta run - the warehouse guy just called and told me that there is still a document that I need to sign before they can ship my stuff...
Has anyone seen my passport?

A Meme of Panic

update -kinda sorta
last night I dreamed that I lost all my teeth
I can still feel them laying in my hand as I spit them out then scattered them on the earth, like johnny apple-seed but not really sure what I was planting 
Couldn't quite make out what the dream meant, if anything
Today it was whispered to me, not long after I remembered the dream, that this was a metaphor - or my reality now - for me to start discarding all of my old paradigms, ways of being, personalities and ego conversations; that they will, indeed, no longer serve me - and as useless, need to be exorcised (my word)
And I get to 'grow' new ones to replace that which will not serve me any longer moving forward - forward and out beloved, for what choice do we have?
We're all headed out, either as a willing, co-creating participant or dragged along kicking and screaming.
RIGHT after that my ego piped up, 'you're not that easily rid of me, b*** - how about these feelings????'
And then they descended - fear, panic, loss, negative self worth - the whole kit and caboodle - can anyone relate?
I was struck at how beautiful they were - the feelings, even the negative ones; so complete, convincing, conniving, calculating...they were so intricate - really a wonder to behold.
Yet separate - but wait how can that be?
Are they not me?
Are they not a part of me?
Who am I without them?
Dammit, this was a conundrum....I 'saw' them, 'tasted' them, I even crawled inside of them to see them from inside out and finally came to the conclusion that,not that I know anything of course but maybe, just maybeI can live my life, and this incredible adventure before me...without them - or more appropriately a new one:
I know I'm not out of the wilderness yet, or maybe will never be but the fear does not define me, not anymoreI know now that I can find, and enjoy playing with, the middle ground - neither completely gagged by my emotions or so removed from my experience that I am above them - I mean were's the fun in that?
Let's Rock!